Baby Steps-a Rambling Post

One Day at a Time

Easy Does It

It’s a Marathon Not a Sprint

This morning one of you readers, always inspiration, said that she was taking baby steps in divorcing herself from Christmas and it got me thinking, am I rushing into this?  The short answer would be yes the long answer is no.  Yes, in the fact that I’m hungry and literally devouring nearly everything that I can get my hands on.  Devouring may suggest that I’m gobbling it up without tasting it which is a strong visual so I’ll edit a bit, I’m consuming it…  Granted consuming makes me think of a fire that takes over a forest in an alarming rate but that’s the metaphor I’m going for.  Consume…Absorb?    I like absorb better, it’s more peaceful, like a sponge.  Alright, absorb.  I’m absorbing my Judaism at what could be considered an alarming rate and there’s no “date” in my future.  For many of the converts in my class the date they’re working for is a wedding date.  They’ve got to get it, get it done, at get to being Jews before March 15th, June 9th, April 27th.  Those dates aren’t real wedding dates as far as I know but they’re definitely markers for them, the finish line if you will.

My new friend who’s converting Orthodox has been in private study for 5 years before making the very recent decision to convert.  Her knowledge of Hebrew prayer and the order of service is astounding and inspirational.  Then there’s me, I jumped right in feet first into the deep end and guess what-I can swim!  (These analogies bothering anyone else?)  It’s not as though I didn’t try out other things before hand, because I certainly did, but when I found what fit the best, what inspired me the most, what felt like the right place to find myself after years of searching I wanted it all and immediately.

As we all know as converts and Jews the Jewish learning never stops.  We read Torah every year over and over again trying to look for new meaning, learn new lessons, and revisit lessons learned.  As a Jew-to-be the learning seems endless but not overwhelming.  I feel like I just got a handle on what happened at Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and another one of you readers helped me to remember the “big deal” that is Passover.  Still I wonder, should I be taking smaller steps rather than giant leaps.  Am I taking enough time to relish what it feels like to be a Jew in Training or has the want to be a Jew clouded the appreciation for the process I am in right now, what I’m going through at this moment.

I think back to the spring when I started shul shopping and rabbi chatting.  I sat down with 4 rabbis and visited 4 shuls before finding the rabbi that inspired me and challenged me most.  To be honest, I’ve never actually attended a Shabbat service there rather attend a shul closer to home with a rabbi that I’ve only met in passing.  The next step in my conversion process is meeting with a rabbi on a regular basis for one-on-one meetings.  I’ll continue to attend the larger classes starting in January for the second trimester of Judaism classes but in order to secure the one-on-one meeting I needed to join the synagogue.  I struggled with this decision not only because of the financial burden but because besides Kol Nidre, I’ve never experienced the synagogue’s worship style.  What I did know, as I signed a check and filled out the membership paperwork, was that Rabbi L always makes me think, she always makes me consider and reconsider, she always says something that is challenging to me and that is helping to form me into the Jew that I will become.  She’s active in the synagogue as an educational rabbi, she doesn’t do the sermon part-still she’s so very much a part of why I chose this shul.  The way I explained it to Mirs is that the mikvah is my finish line, joining the synagogue is the race course.  Great thing is that it doesn’t actually end at the mikvah, it actually begins at the mikvah.  The beauty of the mikvah is that afterwards, I can go to which every synagogue I chose and I will be a Jew.

Still I’m wondering if this step, the reform step, is the step in the right direction.  Is an Orthodox conversion a better option for the just in cases of the future.  You know, just in case my child as an adult moves to Israel for a trip and falls in love with another Jew whose parents want to verify that they’re crazy lesbian mothers are both “real” Jews.  It’s a silly what if but it could happen.  Could I be jeopardizing my potential future child’s love life?  Will an Orthodox conversion better the troubled mind of the rabbi who makes sure that Mirs has her candles for Shabbos?  Do I even want an Orthodox conversion?  Why haven’t I taken a longer look at Conservative conversion?  I considered it for a second before heading directly for the Reform.  The truth in the decision relied heavily on my gayness and need to be in a place that it would be accepted and acknowledged rather than ignored or swept under the rug.  The fact that I’m gay and will be a gay Jew is important to me.  In class and at last week’s Shabbat service the rabbis talked about  LGBT issues as Jewish issues.  I like that and I wonder if I’d find that message of acceptance and love for all people in a Conservative shul or an Orthodox shul.  I don’t know and can’t know, but this is what happens when you slow down a bit and take a look at where you’re going and where you’ve been.

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New Shabbat Candles, a bedroom Mezuzah, and other Hiddur Mitzvah

בָּרוּך אַתָּה אַדָנָ-י אֱ-להֵינוּ מֶלֶך הָעוֹלָם אַשֶׁר קִדְשָנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָנוּ לְהַדְלִיק נֵר שֶל שַבָּת קודֶש

Transliteration: Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu, melech ha’olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu l’hadlik ner shel Shabbat

Translation: Blessed are you, Lord our G‑d, King of the universe, who has sanctified us with His commandments, and commanded us to kindle the light of the Holy Shabbat.

While I was home in Ohio I purchased some pewter candle sticks at my favorite antique shop at the Erie Street Market.  They’re simple candle sticks with nice weight and until now I’m not sure what they were used for.  From here on out, they will be my Shabbat candle sticks.  If you’re a New Yorker, you know we are lucky enough to have a wide array of Judaica stores at our disposal.  I’ve shopped at West Side Judaica and of course, Eichler’s in Ditmas Park/Midwood is one of my favorites.  To be frank, they can be really expensive for items for Shabbat.  For books, mezuzah, or even kippah it’s totally worth the trip; the experience alone is amazing.  So much so, my conversion rabbi encouraged us to visit Judaica stores if only for the experience and I love browsing the many books wishing that I knew Hebrew so I could read them. 

For me, though, finding these simple pewter candle sticks was a coup.  I’d been searching for them since I made the decision to convert to Judaism.  I’ve scoured online Judaica shops, silver shops on Avenue J(ew), and of course my favorite stores to no avail.  I was thinking of buying some simple glass candle sticks at my job but didn’t feel like they would be my Shabbat candles.  I didn’t picture them to be engraved, gilded, or magnificent, but I knew what I wanted them to look like.  In my mind’s eye I knew what I was looking for. 

My new Shabbat Candle sticks

So Friday afternoon Mirs and I go on our weekly Shabbat shopping.  We went to our favorite bakery for challah, we searched for Kosher wine, and browsed some Judaica shops.  We went to Hecht’s, on Coney Island Avenue and 30 minutes later I walked out $80 lighter.  Unlike the larger Judaica stores in Ditmas Park/Midwood, Hecht’s is a small, slightly cramped store filled to the gills with many Judaica objects from Hamsas, to Mezuzah, to kippah, to books, and of course, Shabbat Candles.  I purchased a mezuzah for my bedroom, a home Hamsa, and several other things to help with Hiddur Mitzvah, or the beautification of a mitzvah.  Hmm, take one shopaholic and add hiddur mitzah and you get a BIG problem.  It’s an actual mitzvah, commandment, to beautify your home.

The plan was to light the Shabbat candles for the first time in my life, head to Shabbat service at Congregation Beth Elohim with friends, and have dinner before returning home.  I opened the box of 72 candles “made in Israel”, the sales lady told me, “not china” with the excitement and expectation that can only be likened to opening a present …

…just to find that they were the wrong size.  She told me they’d fit any Shabbat candle holder but they do not fit my candle sticks.  Maybe it’s because I went for really affordable antique candlesticks vs made-to-fit Shabbat candlesticks but I was heartbroken.  My candles are squat little nubs of candles and my pewter bases demand large candles. 

Long story short, I did not get to light Shabbat Candles on Friday and I was upset.  I’d been so proud that I could finally sing the whole blessing, in two melodies, and didn’t get the opportunity to do so.  The beauty of Shabbat is that it comes around every week so there’s always next week.  For now, my focus is on preparing my talk for Be’chol Lashon affixing my new mezuzah, and finding new candles that fit the stick.

Just in case you want the blessing for affixing a mezuzah, here it is thanks to About.com and Anita Diament’s book Living a Jewish Life.

Baruch atah Adonai  Eloheinu Melech Ha-olam asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav vitzivanu likboa mezuzah.

Blessed be the Eternal One, Source of Life, by Whose power we sanctify life with the mitzvah of affixing this mezuzah.

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The Messiah, Women wearing Kippot, and Other Things I learned in Conversion Class Tonight

I just got back home from my second conversion class at Rodeph Sholom where we were able to ask the rabbi questions which she answered to the best of her ability, given the space, time and limitations of an hour and a half class with over 30 participants.

I stopped attending conversion classes at Central for varied reasons, mainly it had to do with the connection I felt with the rabbi at Rodeph Sholom.  I still have not attended Shabbat services there so perhaps jumping ship wasn’t the wisest choice but I’m sticking to my guns.  There’s also that teeny tiny factor that I can afford these classes a bit more easily.  While this class isn’t as structured with required reading and a syllabus, I still feel like I’m learning things I haven’t before while knowing the answers to some questions posed.  I actually surprised the rabbi tonight because I was able to answer a question about the Torah.

The thing I like about this rabbi is that she lays it on thick without pretense and without hesitation.  Some of our concerns as converts is that we will never, perhaps, “feel Jewish.  It’s something that I’m feeling better about, I do feel Jewish right now but as I said in my last post my Jewish may not feel the same as yours.  One of the things she brought up is her ability to “pass” in the world as a white person, but that at her core she is a Jew.  Historically speaking Jews were treated pretty shitty, let’s just be honest.  I loved how she made us potential converts know what it was like to feel like a Jew, and how it can sometimes feel, different-my words not hers.  As a black woman, I feel different because I look different but it was amazing to watch the faces of the white women around the table “get it”

When you’re a black person who marries a white person you can still pretty much blend into society if you’re not with your partner.  Know one really knows that you’re dating a person of another race if they’re not by your side and you can sort of skim the surface.  Say you have a child and, boom, that child is black.  People now know that you’re the mother of a black person and that changes the way that the world sees you but doesn’t change you, really.  When you become a Jew it changes who you are at your core.  I wondered if the weight of that is understood by potential converts who are white.  Sure, you’re white but you’re a Jew and your kids will be Jews and one day, one of them will come home crying because a friend called him a racist name.  The rabbi talked having someone say, with a look of disgust, “You’re a Jew?” and it reaching the core of her.  When you are a Jew you cannot escape it.  You cannot escape people’s perceptions of what it is to be a Jew.  You cannot escape the hatred, the bigotry, the ignorance, just as I cannot escape people’s hatred, bigotry, and ignorance as a black woman.  Lucky thing is, I get it because I’m black.  I am well aware of the injustices that come along with being both a black and a Jew but as a black person, I sort of have a leg up on other non-black converts.

People often say, you’re black, you’re a woman, you’re a lesbian.  Those three are hard enough as it is, why would you choose to be a Jew?  I had no choice in those other three matters, that was the hand that I was dealt by God.  I can make this choice because it is as much my identity as the other three identities. 

I just finished reading “From Ghetto to Ghetto” by Ernest H. Adams and I strongly suggest that you purchase it and read it as well whether you are a Jew or not.  So much of his identity both as a black man and a Jew I was able to relate to on a personal level and much more of it I learned from.  The joy of Judaism is that we can ask questions and we will always learn something new.  I love that we read Torah once a year.  I love that you will never learn everything about a story in one year, ten years, or thirty years-which is why we continue to read it.

The Jewish people, as varied as we are, are a people made up of so much diversity and a wealth of knowledge and new understandings if we open ourselves up to it, ask questions and listen to the answers.

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The New Girl in Shul

Last Shabbat I attended serves at a shul in Brooklyn.  It’s not terribly convenient but a lot easier than schlepping to the UES for service.  I’d noticed an e-mail from the group, Brooklyn Jews, inviting members of its list serve to attend Shabbat services at Congregation Beth Elohim to listen to a young Jewish Composer, Noah Aronson.  A few weeks prior when I started Physical Therapy I walked into this particular synagogue and the Director was kind enough to welcome me into her office, answer my questions, and extend an invitation to High Holy Day services.  I attended services else where but the synagogue became the next place to attend Shabbat services on my list.

Mirs got  an e-mail from a friend inviting her to the same service and we had a Jewish Double Date.  The services were held in the Chapel, a small space with old wooden pews.  The congregants were actively participating in the intimate Shabbat service and the music that Noah played was incredibly moving.  It felt young, fresh, while remaining true to the melodies that I’d familiarized myself with over the past few months.  I’m not sure if it was because of the musical guest or normal Friday night Shabbat practice at this particular synagogue but they did not read from the Torah.  Other than that, the service carried on and I felt comfortable.  I easily found my place in the Siddur, I knew the melodies and words to prayers.  I felt like a Jew.

After service Brooklyn Jews hosted a dinner that we did not attend.  Still, at Kaddish several people introduced themselves to me and the group of people we were with.  Unexpectedly Mirs had a friend from school in attendance.  She was surprised to find not only another lesbian in her program but a Jewish one at that!  I just felt happy that I was able to keep up with the order of service and even helped her out when she lost her place.

In terms of ethnic diversity, I was the only brown person in the shul but it didn’t feel like everyone was staring at me.  The congregation was a mix of older couples, small families, singles, and a few LGBT folks.  Overall, I may have to do a little switching back and forth between this synagogue and the next on my list on the UWS. 

In the meantime, check out Noah’s music on his website. http://www.noaharonson.com/

If you’re a Brooklynite check out Brooklyn Jews on the web. http://www.brooklynjews.com/

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